I dig deep a lot these days in meditation because it helps me understand who I am, what my purpose is, and where I should be going in life.
Meditation has allowed me to bring peace and quiet to a crazy existence so I’m able to reflect on my deepest emotions in a controlled environment, rather than have them show off their might in the wrong situation. Sometimes, I even like to smoke marijuana just before I meditate because it acts as an emotional barometer for my subconscious, and I end up being able to face past demons that I didn’t even know were there.
I’ll ask myself how I’m feeling, and in this case I felt sad. Then… I why the crap out of myself until I come up with results like what you’re about to read below. If you’re not a fan of marijuana, that’s just fine because you don’t need an external substance to have any type of subconscious breakthrough. It’s only my opinion that you may be able to preview how deep you can go into finding the self-sabotaging behaviors that seem to run our lives. Once I had this moment though, I knew what I was in for if I kept up my meditation practice, and it got me excited to continue with or without the pot because I now knew what my subconscious might be hiding.
Ultimately, you will get more out of everything without using anything to alter your state, but to get a glimpse of what might be a major source of anxiety so I know I’m headed in the right direction, is absolutely priceless. It’s all in how you use it, and I don’t think anyone is saving the world by sticking to some weird hard core belief that was taught to us by the Reagan era, and refusing what this planet gives us. Ready. Set. Go.
I’m feeling sad. Why am I sad?
Because I’m not myself and I feel crabby. Why am I crabby?
Because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Why?
Because I have a lot of stuff on my mind. Why?
Because everything is hard. Why?
Because I don’t feel like myself. Why?
Because I’m stressed out. Why?
Because I let things get to me. Why?
Because I don’t feel confident. Why?
Because I never did. Why?
Because nobody ever taught me how and I never took it upon myself to learn. Why?
Because no one in my family was ever confident. Why?
Because the world seemed like it was exploding all the time. Why?
Because dad was never home, and mom was always in a panic because she didn’t know how to raise 3 kids alone and she was drinking all the time. Why?
Because shit got worse when she drank so dad stayed away drinking with his buddies because they couldn’t stand to be in the same place as each other. Why?
Because they were alcoholics and had a serious fucking problem dealing with shit. Why?
Because they were scared kids themselves and maybe they were too proud to ask for any real help. Why?
Because they kept blaming each other for shit. Why?
Because they didn’t know any better. Why?
Because life comes on faster than some of us are ready for and we’re not prepared.
What can I do to change my future?
Not blame anyone for any of my problems because I need to deal with things as they come and quit trying to wrestle it down into my subconscious.
Maybe I need to quit overthinking so much and enjoy the life I’ve created so far because it’s not over.
If I appreciate what I have now, maybe by learning new things and some hard work, without negatively blaming anyone, I can have better things and keep changing and enjoy life even more.
Maybe I should go easier on people starting with myself.
Maybe things aren’t so bad.
Maybe I can breathe.
Maybe I can cry.
Maybe I’ve been loved more than I ever thought possible, but they had a hard time showing it because they had a hard time dealing with life.
Maybe I can laugh.
I should show people how much love I really have to give, and not be so fucking miserable all the time.
I don’t have to raise my son with the same uncertainty that I was raised with.
I can teach him confidence as I learn how to be the human being I want to be, so he can grow up and be the human being he wants to be.
I don’t need alcohol.
I don’t need these prescriptions.
I don’t need any of it.
I need to truly love myself and everything will be okay.
Why didn’t I think of this sooner?
Because you weren’t ready to handle it yet Neil!
I don’t know about you, but to me, that sounds a hell of a lot better than beating myself up all the time. That was one of the major breakthrough moments I had when I was meditating, and I knew right then and there that alcohol had no part in my life anymore. I know most of us don’t like to think of ourselves as vulnerable like that and that’s why it can be so hard to dig deep, but it might just be one of the most important things you ever do. It’s hard to try new things, but it’s way harder to try and win a war with alcohol or anxiety that you’ve already lost so many times before.
The realization that I was choosing to treat myself like an asshole, and how it was affecting not only my life but other people too, was beyond big. And the realization of where it comes from and the understanding of where that came from, is even bigger. It’s not the pot that allows you to do this, it’s the silence. The weed just let’s you know it’s there when your ego-self says it’s not.
Knowing that with every good intention in their body, my parents did all they could to keep it together, the best they knew how. They were scared, I was scared, and my sisters were scared. I also wouldn’t be writing this, and being able to help other people that may have had a similar situation if they had been perfect.
My parents taught me more about being who I am today than they taught me about being an alcoholic… and that’s the real truth. It just took me a long while to realize it. For me, a deeper thought and a better conversation means being a higher being. We can be better to ourselves and the world that surrounds us if we have a better understanding of where our emotional demons come from and how to release it in a healthy manner. It allows me to show just how much I love the person in front of me and the moment that I’m in, because I know that I must understand myself to understand you. To me, that’s being connected.
Even though I’ve gone down this rabbit hole before, it still wasn’t easy to write this while I was writing it. But now that I’ve done it, I’m really glad I did. Stay Powerful!