I’ve been crying a lot lately, but you already know that because you’re here with me right now helping me release the pain of the stories I’ve carried in my life through this letter. Much of it may sound like anger, sadness, and blame, but it’s the only way I know how to express what I’ve been carrying and identifying with all these years. I trust in source that you know that with each word I type, all blame and feelings of being victimized, hated, abandoned, abused, and resented are being released and are being replaced with forgiveness and understanding.
It hurts. It hurts today. It hurts right now. It hurts to feel this way. It hurts to see what I see happening around me. It hurts to feel the feelings that I feel inside me. It hurts to feel like I want to blame you for so much of it. It just hurts. I’ve been questioning so much of who and what I am because it feels like I’m incomplete. It feels like I never got a chance to express myself and who I really am because I was always trying to get your approval, and that wasn’t easy.
I’ve been afraid to cry up until recently because you told me that real men don’t cry, and I shouldn’t be a pussy. I’ve been afraid to be myself because myself had never seemed to be good enough for you. I’m biting my nails right now because I’m nervous as to how this letter will turn out. There’s a fearful feeling inside of me that thinks it’s letting you down by telling the truth of what I’ve carried all these years. It’s the familiar feeling of not getting your approval which I have so desperately craved.
I cried yesterday from the heart of my 10-year-old self, listened to what he said, and then just let the words flow out of my mouth with no filter. Here’s what it sounded like, “How can I be born into a family where the people who brought me into this world care so little about me, who I am, what I can be, how I feel at any given moment.” I was afraid to tell you how I felt because you would take it so personal and I’d end up getting hit or demoralized with your opinions and words about my feelings. I didn’t know what to do with them, so I hid them from the world and tried to pretend that the hurt I felt didn’t exist, but that was a lie, and I thank you for helping me release this lie right now.
“Where’s my protection?” he cried. “Where’s my love?” “How could God put me in a body and life that had you as a mom?” “What did I do wrong” “Why am I getting beat all the time?” “Why do you fucking hate me so much?” “Why can’t I do anything right?” “How could you call me stupid when I’m showing you my creativity?” How could you say that the only reason you had me was to cater to your needs like calling me in from playing outside to get you another beer from under the couch because you had to hide it from dad?” “Where is my support?” “I’m a fucking kid and I hurt!” “I want you to feel what I’m feeling right now and the only way I can think of to do it is by killing myself.” “I don’t know who I am!” “I don’t like this existence.” “Why don’t I have any right to feel my own feelings?” “Why are you making fun of me?” “Why do I have to put up with the neighborhood making fun of me because you did something crazy?” “Why do I have to defend myself against people making you out to be a bad person for being and alcoholic?” “God, why am I enduring this? You put me in the wrong family!” “I’m just a fucking kid!!! I didn’t do anything wrong!” “FUCK!!!”
It always hurt to feel like I had to change who I was every time you were present, and it hurt worse not knowing which person you were going to be. I scrambled to find the right personality to please you and when it didn’t work, I beat the shit out of myself. Over time, I ended up hating myself because I never felt like I could be the right person for anyone. You were the most powerful woman I knew, but also the weakest person I’ve ever met. Day after day I watched you spend your time and energy being a victim and then taking it out on me. It hurt so bad as you beat the shit out of me for trying to help, or called me an idiot if I didn’t know an answer. I learned to lie to you because if I didn’t, I knew the truth could cause me more emotional and physical pain.
I loved you and it felt awful. I hated you and it felt worse. I finally realized that I hated myself for loving you and tried to drown that pain away with alcohol (just like you) in adulthood. I wished so many bad things would happen to me so you could feel the pain I felt inside. I even wished bad things would happen to you and hated myself for that. I wondered what this life is for if it’s not for living. This life didn’t make any sense. I wanted so badly to fix what was wrong with you because I thought if I was able to make you happy that it would finally be my turn to be happy. I believed I would always have that chance, but then you died and my last words to you were, “Fuck you… get your own water!” Ouch.
Now what? Now what do I do? How do I fix myself? How do I get closure? How do I get clarity on why you treated me so badly in my childhood? How can I tell you how I feel? You died before I gained the courage to do it. How could you do this to me on top of all the other shit??? I thought if I drank, at least I’d be good at something.
So that’s what I did. In doing so, I caused myself so much pain and anguish in my life, hurting so many people along the way, and even trying to pull them down with me. Thankfully, people were too smart for that because they eventually left. I blamed them for not understanding who I was and compared them to who you were to me, which made them the enemy. After you died, I talked about you like you were sitting in hell and were probably in charge. I always felt an uneasy judgment from the people I was talking to when I did. I thought I was trying to be tough, trying to be strong, and trying to be like how I saw you, but it hurt. I tried to pretend like what I was doing, and how I was living didn’t bother me, but the only way I could do that was to keep drinking more.
I thought chasing status and money would fix me, but it only made me drink more. I thought finding the right person would complete me, but never felt good enough for anyone, so I drank more. I looked to everything outside myself to fix myself, but ALL of it only made me hate who I was becoming more and more. So I kept drinking as much as I could with the hopes that all of it would end soon. To me, it didn’t matter how it ended, as long as it ended.
Then one day I was alone in my apartment, drunk, and feeling sorry for myself which wasn’t a big surprise. What was a surprise for me was what I felt inside, or maybe that I had any feelings left at all. For a few moments something strange happened, I was allowed to feel a love and understanding that I didn’t understand at the time, but knew where it came from. It came in the form of the love I felt for my son. Here I was, completely wasted and lost, but was still able to realize that I am still so in love with my son and being his father!
At that moment I thought, “If I am able to love Jacob so much, even at my “absolute drunkenist asshole worst”, how could my mom and dad be any different?” I cried and begged for answers. Then I made myself stop because I didn’t want hate myself for being what I thought was weak. The only thing I knew how to do in that moment was drink some more so I wouldn’t cry. But I made a promise to myself and the Universe that if I was ever able to rid myself of the shitty feelings that made me drink, that I would spend the rest of my life helping others do the same. I remembered that all I wanted as a kid was to be loved by you. I mistakenly thought that I would have be the one to show you that you were so much more powerful than the alcohol that consumed you, than the anxiety that consumed you, than the life you let live you instead of you living life.
That moment was a beginning for me to become the person that I am today, or so I thought. I still needed a way to stop drinking. I still needed a way to try and understand why I always felt the way I felt. I still had a long road ahead of me, and it’s a road that I’m still on. On this road I’ve realized that; that moment wasn’t the beginning for me, and that I have been on this road since childhood. The same childhood that I felt victim to and blamed you for, is the same childhood I would find my power in. The same childhood that I now know you were doing your absolute best to provide me and my sisters with the absolute best you knew how to provide.
Without you, I wouldn’t be creating the strongest person I could ever know in myself. Without you I wouldn’t be the loving father I am. Without you I wouldn’t be able to help the people I help, nor would I be able to hold the space that needs to be held for other people’s childhoods. What you taught me in my childhood has absolutely prepared me for what’s going on in the world today.
You were high anxiety before it became normal for the planet to be high anxiety and I learned from that. You showed me how you used fear to control me, another lesson. You showed me how letting life live you can make a person try to protect themselves from something that we don’t need protection from. You showed me that life needs to be lived, even if you did it by living it in fear and pain. I’m sorry for making you so wrong for living your souls’ path. I was just a kid… I didn’t know. Thank you.
Humanity is so very sick right now mom, and it has nothing at all to do with any stupid virus, even though they’re blaming most every human death on it. Apparently, we’ve run out of things to claim victim to, so now all of our enemies are invisible. They’re using models, projections, and predictions based on made up “what if” scenarios and passing them off as science or even worse, truth, to control people. You showed me that doesn’t work. Thank you.
They’re protecting themselves from things that don’t exist in their own lives. You showed me that I don’t need to do that and that I’m powerful enough as I am to endure anything that comes my way. Thank you. They’re screaming at one another, aggressively telling each other how to live their lives instead of learning to live their own. You showed me what a waste of time that is. Thank you. They’re addicted to the bullshit in their heads, the chemicals of their emotions, and the pharmaceuticals from their doctors, and you and I both know that’s going run its course and die very soon. Thank you.
Without you showing me so much of this so early on in my life, I might be living in the same fear as humanity right now. Thank you… because I’m not. Instead, I’m able to show people how to release the pain they carry from the addiction to their past, and help the ones who are willing to realize just how powerful they really are. My son has a father that is loving, caring, open, responsive, supportive, allows him to be his best creative self, and is continually evolving and committed to becoming the “bestest most awesomest” father and human being the Universe can create! I couldn’t have done any of it without you, and that’s not just because you had me. I get to help make the world a better place for him and his children because of all I’ve learned from you and my journey to this moment, which is all we’ll ever have.
I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future but I’m very grateful that you’ve shown me that I’ll always have the tools to handle it all. I also don’t fear death anymore and I have you to thank. I’d rather die in my truth than live in fear of what others want me to believe. You taught me that. I’m honored and blessed to be your one and only son. So thank you.